Dear RSPCA

Dear RSPCA,

I am writing to you under the cover of darkness, ( my woolly blankey) with nothing but the glow of a candle for light , well actually it's the glow from the tv screen as any minute now a good movie will be on. I have several complaints about my treatment here and i hope you can do something about it. My Owner is way too strict with me.

1) She has rationed my doughnuts to only one a day.

2) She always want to brush my fur. I am not a bloody poodle.

3) She thinks i should do something called " exercise" which hurts my paws and legs.

4) She tickles my tummy in front of chicks. Thats just busting my groove big time.

5) Her idea of nutrition is cat food and water; Mine is a double cheese burger with large fries.

6) She makes a noise when doing housework so i can hardly hear the tv.

7) I have to poo outside. Not even a proper lavatory has been installed for this purpose.

8) She talks a hell of a lot especially when i am napping on the sofa before my shows start.

9) She thinks i should run around chasing butterflies. That is borderline wussy.

10) She has turned me into a hardened criminal. I am now forced to steal cookies from the tin.

11) I am not allowed on her bed as i chew the blanket. No concern at all for my teeth development.

12) She has named me Mr.Kipling. I am a malay cat. I looked up the definition of Kipling on the internet and it means " cured Fish" as in salted fish as in Ikan Masin. Charming.

13) I am expected to share my food with 5 fierce and dangerous kittens. They are very rude to me and sometimes hit me with their paw. I intend to sue if it happens again or place a firecracker in their basket.

14) She wont let me watch TV all night. I guess she wants me to catch lizards but i am more into cultured cuisine and am a big fan of Nigella who i want to marry or just have a one night stand with.

15) She bought me a fake furry mouse to " play with" - That is hardly an intellectually stimulating object. I have thus chucked it out of the window.

I do hope you can remove her from this house, I am fine looking after myself. Otherwise please could you send her a manual explaining how to look after Cats. Please destroy this letter after reading , i watch Mission Impossible and i know spies are everywhere.

Best Regards Cat.