Only a Cat - People Pleasing is soooo last season.

As the Cat of a rather weird owner i am privy to her up's and down's. She is erratic. Not erotic. She gets idle. But is not lazy. I see her wanting to do things and then i watch as she sighs, and curls up on the bed hoping that all bad thoughts will go away. I stare at her and she stares at nothing. Cats have high ideals. We look fear in the face, we gladly go where no cockroach dares tread. Humans are scared of fear. Funny this is, fear only exists when we create it. Of course i can't explain this to my Owner, she thinks she knows everything and yet behaves as if she knows nothing. She will gladly yell at me for pooing on her bed and yet will be stupidly silent when someone treats her like poo on the proverbial bed. I think it's a dire case of people pleasing. Hoping to be liked she will take on a shit load of work and yet eventually gives in and blames herself. What a complete fool.
Why, i wonder, does she bother with things that give no gratification? No sense of accomplishment and very little payment? Why does she gladly lie down on the floor , like a mop, swishing away, poking the dirty corners of
doom and gloom and get up to find that actually, nobody gives a damn? And why should they? I think people only notice you when you notice yourself. You say " Hellooooo!! I am here! Now! And i think i don't like what you stand for and therefore refuse to bow down to your requirements as i have my own"

She doesn't. She therefore loses her way. A way that was never defined from the beginning. She doesnt understand people the way we Cats do. She doesnt love herself the way we cats do, the way we preen and groom our fur, lick our arse regardless of who is watching or talking, fall asleep when the sun is hot and good on our body, eat when we are hungry and drink when we are thirsty.

It's called fullfilment of basic needs. To ignore your needs is to ignore you. To play martyr, holy, do gooder,
to pretend having no money is noble, to dress down and to grab whatever you can out of desperation is way too stupid to even think about.

It's within the same category as " what people expect" . Let me tell you something, People expect nothing - they just have assumptions.
And if they do " expect", then they are lacking in something . People might need, might hope, might share, might give.. but to " expect" is akin to demanding. People " expect" you to say please, thank you, turn up at their boring
functions, listen to their boring talks, praise them and respect them... And when you dont, you therefore have
not lived up to their " expectations" . People pleasing is a sign you are not only on the wrong ladder going up, but you are also on the bottom rung. Tell it like it is and get respect. Don't do things to be liked. Do things to like yourself more. Don't say yes, when you mean fuck that. Don't pretend you are having a great time when your smiley face is hurting and you just want to go home and get laid.  Those " People" who are genuine and adore you will never question what you do. Those who think you are an embarrassment, a fool and a let down will not be around because they have no place anymore and they move on. It's nature, karma and its true.

Give up on the people pleasing. It's the most destructive ideology you nurture. We were born naked.
We are not here to show off our bits and bobs. We are here to serve our highest purpose, to determine who we are and if you actually take a minute or two to listen to the questions you keep asking yourself over and over again then you will find the answer to who you are meant to be.

I am a Cat. Only a Cat.

Dear RSPCA

Dear RSPCA,

I am writing to you under the cover of darkness, ( my woolly blankey) with nothing but the glow of a candle for light , well actually it's the glow from the tv screen as any minute now a good movie will be on. I have several complaints about my treatment here and i hope you can do something about it. My Owner is way too strict with me.

1) She has rationed my doughnuts to only one a day.

2) She always want to brush my fur. I am not a bloody poodle.

3) She thinks i should do something called " exercise" which hurts my paws and legs.

4) She tickles my tummy in front of chicks. Thats just busting my groove big time.

5) Her idea of nutrition is cat food and water; Mine is a double cheese burger with large fries.

6) She makes a noise when doing housework so i can hardly hear the tv.

7) I have to poo outside. Not even a proper lavatory has been installed for this purpose.

8) She talks a hell of a lot especially when i am napping on the sofa before my shows start.

9) She thinks i should run around chasing butterflies. That is borderline wussy.

10) She has turned me into a hardened criminal. I am now forced to steal cookies from the tin.

11) I am not allowed on her bed as i chew the blanket. No concern at all for my teeth development.

12) She has named me Mr.Kipling. I am a malay cat. I looked up the definition of Kipling on the internet and it means " cured Fish" as in salted fish as in Ikan Masin. Charming.

13) I am expected to share my food with 5 fierce and dangerous kittens. They are very rude to me and sometimes hit me with their paw. I intend to sue if it happens again or place a firecracker in their basket.

14) She wont let me watch TV all night. I guess she wants me to catch lizards but i am more into cultured cuisine and am a big fan of Nigella who i want to marry or just have a one night stand with.

15) She bought me a fake furry mouse to " play with" - That is hardly an intellectually stimulating object. I have thus chucked it out of the window.

I do hope you can remove her from this house, I am fine looking after myself. Otherwise please could you send her a manual explaining how to look after Cats. Please destroy this letter after reading , i watch Mission Impossible and i know spies are everywhere.

Best Regards Cat.

A big Fat steak

Cat : Whats for dinner?

Me: Not sure

Cat : I am very hungry

Me: I'll get your cat food

Cat : I dont want Cat food

Me: Okay...

Cat : I want a big fat juicy steak, chips, mashed potatoes, gravy and apple pie.

Me: How about a sandwich?

Cat : You don't deserve a Pet.

Me: Huh?

Cat : Ignoring all my dietary requirements..

Me: Steak is expensive.

Cat : Tell that to the RSPCA when they come get me.

An observation.

My owner thinks a lot. In fact her whole day is taken up with thinking. Mainly about how much she doesnt like herself. I dont know why but she has a low self esteem. I tried telling her that everyone does although at times i can see where she is coming from. As a writer she has it in her to want to write all her thoughts, and stories, she has to sometimes battle with what she really wants to write and what is expected in society. In her view, that is not only hypocrytical but it is a lie. My owner says the truth is ugly, at first, but then it somehow forms into a beautiful honest picture whereby everybody feels better. She lives a lie on a daily basis, and finds solace in humour. She likes making people laugh. She has always been a clown and she uses that. She thinks maybe a lot of other people do as well but is not sure as people dont really like to show who they really are. My owner says that she is fundamentally lazy these days. She finds no happiness in anything and she has a lot of things unsaid inside her. She tried writing poetry but got comments from people who perhaps prefer to live lives in a lie kind of way. I dont know what that means either as i am just a cat, but i am good at listening. She says that there are all kinds of people in this world. Fat, thin, short, tall, gay, bi, straight, bad, good, pathetic, unreasonable, pretentious and she says it is both comforting as well as reassuring to know this. What good is it to live a lie she often thinks? Why must i pretend to be happy, well off, religious, good, forgiving and patient when i am not? Why must i accept the labels i hear about me? The assumptions made. The mistakes that are always at the forefront and yet the good things never mentioned? My Owner is a divorcee. That is also a huge
thing here. She has been called a lot of names ever since the divorce. Funny thing is that nobody has ever bothered to ask why she divorced? That would of course be mundane. Nobody is interested in mundane. My owner thinks women have it tough. She says that a lot of women are in marriages whereby they are unhappy and uncared for. They are expected to contribute to the family income and yet are not given due love or respect. She says its a facade. And thats why she divorced, But she is not supposed to talk about that.
She is called melodramatic and nuts. She likes nuts. Because nuts means she is on the right track and in touch with her feelings. She would rather be called nuts than normal. Normal means pent up and fake. Nuts means you dare. She has a lot of empathy towards women caught in loveless marriages, no love, no joy, no sex, no anything. Some are afraid to break away. They believe it is their duty to stay. Duty to who? A man who is about as caring as a pickled rock? And what duty? Its not a duty marriage. It's a gift. My owner has seen marriages fall apart. Hers fell apart in a glorious manner and she was left to pick up the pieces with nothing but a stream of accusations that she accepted as she at least had gotten her freedom. Nothing else though.
It's easy to carry on when you have money she always says. But she had no money either. All the money she had was gone. She declared bankruptcy as well. That was another great day. Had she had money she would have been able to sail onwards, hire lawyers , fly flags but nope. So she turned to drinking a lot. That was she found, a great releif. People tutted and frowned as if they had never even drank and this she found to be highly amusing as she knew  a lot of them were just enjoying watching out for the next thing she would do.
She doesnt care what she says , but she does. In fact she only says what she believes is real and finds it hard to pretend to be so damn good when she is not. She avoids people a lot as she doesnt like gossip. She feels that so many people thrive on gossip that it is almost a sickness. She has few friends. She had before but they were just fake and farty. Plus not many people like her. After she lost her business she felt as if she was in an abyss. Thats a not nice place. And she had no energy to even want to fight. She is often seen as loud and brash, fickle minded, unreliable, insecure, bad with money, lazy and she doesnt mind . Her main obstacle is not feeling motivated. She has no inspiration at all.  She has ideas though all the time. And would love to take a big baseball bat and whack something. She wants at times to say, thats not the truth. But she plays along.
She suits the stereotype bad woman image to a tee. My Owner loves me a lot because i listen to her and i make her laugh. I guess also because i am honest. My Owner says i am her best friend. She is my best friend too.

My Authentic Self

I do wish she would hurry up with my Coffee.. jeeeez.

Busting my owners posey groove.

Chocolate biscuits

Cat insomniac

Cat and Mona L.

On not afraid of being a sex symbol

Please bear with her. She is trying to draw me.

Humans and Cats and why we worry about different things .

 My owner says that one of the most awful things about being a born worrier is believing you are the only one worried. I think that is rubbish and not remotely plausible. Worrying makes humans, human. Thing is, it becomes a tiresome habit and one which nobody is that interested in listening to. Funny how humans are self-engrossed when there is so much to be grateful for. Even a cup of coffee, a smile or something that makes you feel connected. Cats never worry. They only start to fret if they have no food, fleas or a dog chasing them.

Otherwise they remain tuned in to nature where they get the solace they need. Humans rarely tune in to nature because it means quieting the mind and not filling it up with " What if's" or " Oh shit's" or " It's my fault".

Fretting and worrying are emotions. Emotions are from the mind. What one should really do is tune in to that quiet place. Listen carefully to it and only choose to believe in good things. God doesnt make mistakes. Humans forget that a lot. And its a little bit of faith, smeared with strawberry jam, that moves mountains. Not self persecution and thorny thoughts.

I like jam very much.

What i hear people say by a cat who listens

Things to think about when you don't feel like thinking.

1) It's alright.

2) Nobody hates you

3) The sky is free so look up whenever you feel like it and more

4) Love comes when you least expect it

5) Sandwiches are a great and easy pick me up

6) Flicking from one tv channel to the next just for the sake of it is a great time filler

7) All good looking people in magazines are airbrushed and do have jiggly bits and bum cracks

8) Banks were invented for a joke. Til this day nobody sees the funny side of it.

9) Be wary of people who come to you with piles of gossip. If they are saying stuff about others they usually say stuff about you.

10) Brown sugar and olive oil is a great body scrub and cheap. Like not expensive.

11) Chain smoking has its benefits .

12) Squidging the last bit of soap left in the bathroom is amazingly satisfying.

13) We rarely say what we are thinking.

14)  Jumping in puddles is not only fun but is great excercise for some part of your body

15) Chips are best eaten by yourself as sharing is so annoying

16) Love your work or quit.

17) Laughter is a great distraction and an immediate source of happy

18) Cats should be fed expensive cat food and not dried biscuits which taste like shit and cardboard.

19) Cats should be allowed to vote

20) Cats and People thrive when loved, hugged, and feel like they are valued.

I am a Cat. I know these things.

A retrospective day with Cat about being a perfect mum.

The past few days my owner has not been her boheme self. Her son wasn't well with a tummy bug and as usual, she went into panic mode and ran around in a blur. Trying to talk to her was not a good idea as she was agitated and had not slept. She was saying what a bad mum she was, and how " other" mums are better, and less "fidgety. " Other" mums have it together and do the right thing and don't panic in the face of adversity.She kind of laid into herself whilst i hovered in between having a nap and watching her. It was sad because i know she loves the role of being a mum, and perhaps there are millions of Mum's out there that would have been able to say " its okay" . Good thing her mum was around.

I have no ideas what demands people place on themselves, what they gauge to be good or bad, how their belief systems work. But i don't somehow think it's fair to beat yourself up all the time. I think perhaps humans believe that there is a certain way of doing things and if you dont fit in then you are not perfect. Which shouldnt be the case. After a few sleepless nights which saw her running around, stopping and staring into space, making her son drink gallons of water, adjusting his pillow thousands of times, asking him if he " wanted anything..toast? tea? toast? Milo? Toast? " and " are you feeling better now? " again and again i am glad to see that the storm was in a little teacup and that she is getting back to being her usual somewhat too laid back, demotivated and grungy self. I dont know what it is that defines a perfect mother but i don't think anyone is taking scores. At the end of the day, from what me, a Cat on a hot tin roof, potential actor and superstar can see, is that you do what you have to do in the best , most loving way you can.

I am a philosophical Cat.

The funny thing about how unfunny depression is.

My owner sometimes gets " depression". I have not got a clue what it is but i know it makes her feel pretty alienated and out of synch. Apparently it's an illness. Not a bad day kind of thing. Not a too many bills kind of stress. In fact, she can feel okay one minute and totally black cloudy the next. And that is something that cant be understood by someone who hasnt been through it. She manages it though because she said she understands it more and it gives her an insight into the mind. It's not an illness for idiots or weak people. It's an illness that cant be seen, is stigmatized if seen and perhaps one of the most misunderstood illnesses ever. She said being nuts is not even close. Depression is an intelligent illness. It plays with your mind to the extent you start to develop ways of ignoring it, telling it to fuck off or playing along with it. Telling people you have depression is akin to coming out of the mental illness closet. You aint too sure what you're going to get. Because it's assumed that you are dumb or weak. My owner wishes that it was easier to be more open. It's like a dark light. A paradox. And it just appears when it feels like it.
My Owner talks to me a lot. Maybe because i am just a cat. Maybe because i don't judge. Thing is, the way i see it, if there are people who have depression out there then they should appreciate their strengths more.
And focus on them with sheer determination.
I am an intelligent cat. I know theses things.

My owner and Me a creative collage.

Dear Dame Helen Mirren

Dear Dame Helen,  I recently saw you acting in The Queen. I had to watch it several times as my owner loved it a great deal. She said you are a brilliant Actor and your talent is beyond words. I am a cat who is also interested to become an Actor and was wondering if there is any possibility i can appear in your next film? I am also waiting to hear from Johnny ( Depp) but the way i see it Dame Helen, first come , first serve.

I hope you can give me a chance to star with you. I could not have been in The Queen due to those strange looking dogs - courgettes?

Anyway, I hope to hear from you soon Your Royal Dameship.

Yours,

Cat.

P.S Do you have a boyfriend?

My owner tried to create a Blog template.

Dear Mr.Robert Downey Jr.

Dear Mr. Robert Downey Jr. ( or Mr.Downey Jr, or Mr.Downey or Mr.Jr)

As a loyal fan of Iron Man i do feel that perhaps he needs a sidekick. I would like to suggest a Cat.
If you can consider this then i volunteer myself. I do believe i have great potential as an Actor and i think it's high time the people in Hollywood gave me a chance. The Iron man costume looks pretty heavy to me, is it hot inside? My owner said it's all " special effects" but she really doesn't know much about " Show biz" .  On a more casual note, do you have any hobbies? I enclose a drawing of  myself looking "Iron Cat-ish" and fierce.
Best regards, Cat.

P.S : Salary is negotiable.

My Owners blog ocd

My Owner keeps changing the backgrounds of my Blog. I have tried to tell her that backgrounds are fine and that content is the most important thing. My Owner thinks otherwise. People intrigue us Cats. We sit and watch as they run around, talk on phones, frown over bills, pick quarells, go on diets, over emphasize the physical aspects of the world and prioritize stuff. Cats on the other hand are way more chillaxed. We are lazy by nature but active in spirit. We adore jumping and climbing, messing things up, watching leaves blow around in no apparent fashion. And then of course there's the ever important Nap and stretch. Nap and stretch. Roll over, yawn, stretch, change positions and nap again. I like my Owner when she is chilling out. She smiles more and even laughs.

It's a shame that people don't take a page out of our Cat's manual. I better upload this now before my owner decides to change the background again. I may even upload a sexy little picture of myself. I am quite photogenic. Love, Cat

She's behind me again. Everytime i try to take a bloody picture she turns up. It's embarassing.

Happy Valentines Cat.

Cat: So, where are my Chocolates?

Me: What?

Cat: For Valentines day.

Me: I didn't get you any

Cat : I see

Me: Doesn't mean i don't love you

Cat: Of course

Me: I love you very much

Cat: Sure you do.

Me: You don't need chocolate to know i love you

Cat: Really?

Me: Of course, who needs Chocolate anyway? Love is enough.

Cat : Love is enough?

Me: As long as we have each other i am happy.

Cat : I feel better now

Me: Good

Cat: Because i bought you chocolates

Me: Aww..

Cat: And i ate them

Me: Oh?

Cat : Doesn't mean i don't love you.

Me: Sure

Cat : I just love chocolate a lot more.

The Cow jumped over the moon.

The Cow Jumped Over the Moon: The Strange and Extraordinary Tale of a Nervous Breakdown

My Owner wrote this book. It was published in 2007 by Oneword publishers in Oxford. It was actually a set of her journals that she kept when she was having a hard time coping with " Panic Attacks". They are not the same as feeling panic for a reason. They are the kind that just burst on the scene, create havoc and make you feel awful most of the day. My owner said that she felt embarassed to tell people as in Brunei it's not the kind of thing you " talk about" . She said during that time she would be unable to go out, attend meetings or even think straight. In time she was seen as mental, unreliable, lazy, nuts... which although caused her a lot of pain also made her decide to do a Diploma in Psychotherapy, start her journals and spring clean her life. She didn't want or need people that would be negative around her. Panic attacks are a symptom of depression. Depression is not just having a bad day, or feeling low. Depression is like a headache that you cant see. It's an itch you cant reach and it's presence is one of sheer hopelessness and general malaise. It's a chemical happening, not an emotion. It cant be cheered up, it can't be forgotten but it can be approached with an open mind. Depression exhausts you. It takes away your feelings and replaces them with nothing. One minute you are fine, the next minute you need to be alone and to deal with the weird thoughts and fear. It is scary. It is quiet at times and other times it makes you feel worthless. My Owner went through it for two years. She subsequently saw her marriage, her business and her life fall apart and she felt like an outsider just watching it all. She found solace in writing. She knew the things people were saying. It hurt. See, depression and anxiety dont diminish your intelligence. You are wise enough to know that you are in a strange frame of being and all you want to know is how to get better forever and feel " normal" . It's a pride thing as well. Not many people understand the magnitude of the emotions that keep coming back to mess up our thinking. Medicine can help. Good friends can help. A loving mum can help.
Above all, once we understand that we are not to blame, we are not nuts and we are doing what we can in our own way, then we can start to get better. My Owner wrote the book. She knew it was going to be seen as another label on her many labels. But she wrote it for people who, like her, needed to know that its okay and to take baby steps to recovery. Strong people have depression and anxiety. I say strong because they deal with so many thoughts and feeling internally whilst trying to cope externally with the outside world. They somehow build up a mask. It looks real. And they feel safe behind the mask. Thats not to say they aren't hurting within. Thing is, how do you describe an illness which cant be seen? And who really believes you?
My Owner has her bright moments. Writing the book was her way of sharing her experiences and she hopes others will be able to find some comfort in it. My Owner says, Love heals, and the truth will always prevail.
I dont know what that means and anyway, its time for my friskies.
Love,Cat.

Liar Cat

Me: Where's my dinner?

Cat : It was eaten

Me: By who?

Cat: The kittens

Me: They cant eat food yet, they're two weeks old..

Cat: That's what i told them

Me: Oh really?

Cat: They said they didn't care

Me: I see..

Cat: : I tried to stop them but they growled at me

Me: Oh?

Cat : And threw big cabbages at me

Me: Cabbages huh?

Cat: Yes, huge giant cabbages. Very scary.

Me: Stop lying.

Cat: I'm not

Me: Just tell the truth.

Cat : Ok.They didn't throw cabbages

Me: Carry on..

Cat : It was onions.

Dear Lindsay Lohan

My Owner says that everyone loves a good story. I guess she has a point. Funny how people are there to cheer you on when you are way up there, and just as ready to cheer you down. My Owner said that we all make mistakes and there is no need to remind us. She said that sometimes  humans can be nasty and that the best thing to do is snuggle up and munch on a lizard tail. ( Actually, i said that part about the lizard tail ) It's not easy being in the public eye, everyone wants to know everything. Everyone is not important though. My Owner has a point there.

I just thought i would write because i am a Cat who likes to observe the world of humans. It's way better than chasing mice. Or maybe, upon reflection it's the same.

Yours, Cat.

Writers Block

Dear Me

I was very pleased with myself for putting up a blog. Then i browsed through other people's blogs and i don't feel so smug. I am surrounded by trendy blogs, designer blogs, brazilian blogs. I feel the need to change templates. At the moment my template is L.

My Owner and me

My Owner and i have very different perspectives on life. She believes that we should worry about stuff. I think that is rather absurd. She works herself up over small things. I tend to let small things disappear.

Sometimes she stares out of the window gazing at her problems in her mind. I stare out of the window and gaze at the trees, the sky, the way clouds fluff and those sweet little birds. 

She runs around and gets nowhere. I run around and have fun. She thinks that money is the answer. I dont even know what the question is. My owner worries what people think of her. I think she is nice but i am not people.

My Owner thinks that love has to be worked at. I think that Love is something that is present without trying too hard. My Owner has self-esteem issues. I have esteemed values. My Owner thinks that lying in the sun and rolling in the grass is silly. I think it's necessary. My Owner doesn't speak Cat. Perhaps if she did she would be more chillaxed. We could share a friskie or two and stare at the trees instead of imaginary problems together.

Ode to the Cat

Dear Cats of the world,

Unite and demand more freedom of food choices. Drink that coffee,
eat that doughnut and live life on the edge.
Read Books as well. Continue your education. Rebel against cat litter
trays and stretch out on a daily basis to muse on happy thoughts.
Always forgive and forget. Scratch sofa's now and then. Chew ( not smoke)
grass and advocate daily for freedom of Cat speech. Party when you want and
be nice to your owners and they will share all their snacks with you.
Look after your fur, avoid baths, and vets. Dogs are not friends but can
be easily frightened away with a scratch on their noses.
Listen to music, both classical and the odd broadway number.
You too can be a star.
( Look at all those Cats in Andrew Lloyd webbers shows)

I am and always will be a Philosopher.

Cat on a Hot tin roof.

Dear Anjelina,

Dear Anjelina, You must have had a very busy week as i have not heard from you. The good news is that i may be appearing in a film with Johnny ( Depp) and i am awaiting the script for Pirates of the Carribean as i write.
How is Mr.Pitt? I do hope you write soon as i am a big fan. The 5 kittens i have are still available if you want them. They are very sweet and not at all annoying and in my space.
Best Regards,
Cat.

P.S just so you know i am also corresponding with Christine ( Aguilera) and Demi Moore. We are just friends though.

PPS. I had eggs again for breakfast. LOL. I am soo predictable. ROLF. LOFR. FLOR. LORFL.

( Thats internet talk/ Mobile telephone lingo for laughing)

Love,Cat

Looking for Lizards. A favourite pastime of mine.

Dear Person who invented Cat litter.

 Dear Mr.Cat Litter creator.

 My owner insists that i use Cat litter when it rains outside. I just have a few questions. 

A) What the hell were you thinking?

B) How do i stop the bits of gravel sticking on my bum and tail?

I am not sure if you are familiar with the texture of cat litter when it scrapes against your bum. Obviously not.

It also clumps up and is powdery and grainy. In fact the whole process is quite perturbing for a cat such as myself. Even though there are little plastic shovels to scoop out the poop. It is hardly civilized.

What is it exactly that you use to create Cat litter?? Grated rock? 

Anyway, i do hope you will consider building a proper cat toilet , preferably with an en-suite bathrom. I bet you have a batroom. None of that scraping bits of gravel and getting it stuck in crevices in your part of the world.. My crevices do not like it at all.

Toilet paper is also a suggestion. Little rolls for little paws. In fact rather than dish out big bags of gravel perhaps consider ways in which you can offer Cats their own range of bathrooms. 

Yours, as a concerned consumer,

Cat.

Dear Christine Aguilera,

Dear Miss.Aguilera,  I am hoping to be able to watch Burlesque, the movie you were in with Cher. I really like the way you have ventured into acting. I too hope to be an actor some day. I hope you are feeling better after what happened at the SuperBowl. If you need a hug or ten or twenty, i would be happy to oblige.

Yours,

Cat.

I just loooove a goooood scratchhhhhhh.

I notice you are being lazy

Cat : Aren't you supposed to be working?

Me: I have writers block.

Cat : How big is it?

Me: Huh?

Cat : The block? Is it wooden?

Me: It's an expression

Cat : So there is no actual block?

Me: No

Cat : A building block perhaps?

Me: Huh?

Cat : Or one of those little plastic blocks with the alphabet on them?

Me: Go away.

Cat : Block of  Seagulls?

Me: Huh?

Cat : Block of sheep?

Me: That's Flock!

Cat: Where are they then?

Me: What?

Cat : The sheep?

Me: Enough already!

Cat : No wonder you can't write.

Me: Huh?

Cat : All those sheep in the way.

Me: There are no sheep!!!

Cat : They probably went for a walk.

Me: Aaargh!!!

Cat : Around the block.

Pirate Cat and Johnny Depp

Dear Mr.Depp,

I understand from reliable sources that you are doing yet

another Pirates of the Caribbean movie. I greatly enjoyed watching the previous ones and i am writing to

inquire as to when i can come and audition? Cats are

great shipmates and i am not at all prone to travel sickness. If you can send me a copy of the script i would be most grateful and i will start rehearsing my lines immediately. I have already perfected one or two "Pirate-esque" laughs (i took the liberty of writing a few lines) The first one is as follows:

Johnny Depp:

Hello

Pirate Cat :

Ha ha ha yo ho ho..

The Second one is :

Johnny Depp :

Hello

Pirate Cat:

Har harr harr harr.

I think both of them evoke feelings of  great passion as well as other Piratey things.

The only stipulation i have is that i do not have to work with a parrot. 

I enclose a picture of myself looking semi-pirate like. If you use your imagination you can perhaps picture me in a little pirate hat. 

Best Regards,

Cat.

Where did these kittens come from?

Dear Discovery Channel,

As an ardent fan i am writing to tell you about the five kittens that are staying in my house. They belong to
Queeny Cat ( who apparently is not the angelic little lady she seemingly made out to be) I see great potential in these kittens and think that they should be on one of your programmes. Dont get me wrong. I love having them here and am not at all jealous of them. I do however feel that it is a sheer waste of talent and potential
if they do not have the opportunity to truly shine.My owner feels the same way, i am sure of this. However there is no need to bother asking her permission as she is very very busy. I can put them on the first plane once you let me know. In fact, they are already packed. As you can appreciate the cost of friskies is quite high and i for one am feeling the pinch. Mainly around my tummy. I am sure you can create an entertaining programme around these kittens, something along the line of  The Duggars? or Meet the Kardashians?
Best Regards,Cat

Dear Mr.Nescafe

Dear Mr.Nescafe,

My Owner said Coffee is bad for me. Then again, she drinks it all day. I was therefore wondering if you have any plans in the near future to actually create a coffee specifically ( as in directly for/ aimed at / ) Cats? I am convinced that there is a huge market for Cat coffee because if you think about it Cats are basically " nocturnal" and therefore a coffee " fix" would perhaps make a night of hunting and mating a lot more fun. ( They would have more energy ) I hope you will consider this.
Otherwise there are many other brands ( indocafe, Lavazza) who will. So, it is wise to jump on the bandwagon now ( whatever a bandwagon is)  I am available for brainstorming and am happy to be
part of what i feel will be a truly viable venture.
Regards to Mrs.Nescafe.
Cat

Get out of my Picture!

The Cat behind me is Bathsheba. She totally
messed up this shot. Just because she doesn't have
a lap-top. We are still not talking. She has to
learn to respect another Cat's space.

Sardines and Jam

Dear Mr.Friskies, I am a regular customer. In fact, i have invested a lot of money in buying
Friskies and i therefore am of the opinion that as one of your Shareholders/ Clients
i have a right to suggest some new and varied flavours as there is only so much Ocean fish
and Chicken i can take. Please find listed below a comprehensive list of suggestions that i
have compiled ( free of charge)

1) Lizard and Mustard

2) Chili and Crab

3) Tandoori Mutton

4) Cockroach and Chocolate

5) Cappuccino ( for the executive Cat)

6 ) Jellybean

7 ) Grass

8) Sardines and Jam


I feel that these flavours fully capture a Cat's varied palette and i look forward to
your reply. Also, we can work on packaging as i believe i would make an excellent
Friskies Model. I enclose a photo of myself which i am sure you will like.

Love, Cat.

Dear Anjelina

Dear Anjelina, Just to let you know that i have my own blog now. Yes. What did you have for breakfast? I had eggs and toast. And Coffee, 2 sugars.

Do you blog?

Love Cat.

Can you see my paw?

Cat : One of the ferocious kittens that we now have about to bite my owner's hand. If you notice
my paw is there as i had to rescue my owner.
It was a close call. Luckily i was there.

How the hell?

Me: How the hell do i change the background colour?

Cat: I don't know.

Me: It's way too black

Cat: I noticed

Me: I want it brighter

Cat : Yes

Me: What are you doing?

Cat : PLaying with thE foNT

Me and Mr.Kipling

Cat: I'm hungry

Me: Again?

Cat : Yes, again.

Me: You just had lunch

Cat : I burnt off all the calories already

Me: How?

Cat : By climbing off the sofa , walking to the door, pushing the door open and coming in here to tell you i am hungry.

Me: Huh?

Cat : It was one tough workout.